The Blind Dead 3

June 8, 2012 at 10:07 pm (movies)

Let’s move on to part 3 of “The Blind Dead”. I didn’t think it possible but “Ship of Zombies” (a.k.a. “Das Geisterschiff der schwimmenden Leichen”, a.k.a. “El buque maldito” – literally “The cursed ship”) is even worse than the previous movies. Due to change, the story this time takes place on a ship. This is being explained by stating that the Templars (still wearing the Ankh upon their garments) have been condemned for their cruelty centuries ago. Who would have thought… Now they’re sailing the seas like the Flying Dutchman – but a lot slower -, looking for stupid victims.

The victims are found easily. Two models, abandoned in a tiny little boat for marketing reasons (don’t ask), encounter the sinister ship of the undead which is shrouded in fog. Strange thing: The ladies are close to the polar circle simply because the company manufacturing the boat wants to prove that even such a small boat can make its way from Spain to the North Cape. If you’re still with me, you’ll probably think it totally logical that the two girls are wearing nothing but bikinis. This, however, doesn’t really matter because the accursed ship emanates such heat that more luggage would be out of place anyway.

Well. As I said, the girls encounter the ship, and because the accursed ship seems a lot more comfy than their tiny little boat – hey, it’s got fog, torn sails and rotten planks! -, at least one of our  beauties boards the ship. But instead of her beauty sleep, she encounters – tada! – the Templars who murder her in her sleep. Drat. Meanwhile, the boat manufacturer, marketing agency, and the models’ friend set out to find the bimbos because – watch out, drama! – there’s no contact with the little boat. It seems the little boat can go as far as the North Cape without problems but the technical equipment clearly isn’t good enough for radiocommunication.

From here, everything turns out just as we’re used to: The seakers find the ship – more or less by surprise -, board it, encounter the Templars and are slaughtered one by one until only a few of them are left. These few – these happy few – are enlightened: The Templars leave their coffins only at night. But how to determine what time of day it is, with the ship being surrounded by that stupid fog? It doesn’t matter, they come up with a solution: They seize the coffins in which the Templars are resting and throw them overboard.  Nasty. Also, this is the point to have pity as far as the small budget is concerned: The scene in which the first coffin is thrown into the water – you can see it’s really a box of matches thrown into a tub – is repeated. That’s the end, right? Oh no, it is not! Now our heroes have to escape from the evil ship – their own boat has meanwhile drifted off. What to do?  Easy: swim.  For a short time, the fog clears up and grants our heros the sight of land ahead. Problem: One of them can’t swim. Bugger. He’s left behind, clinging on to the promise that the others will get help as soon as possible. Yeah right. The ship, however, being berobbed of its slow crew, has other plans and starts up a fire.  Bugger.

While our heroes dive into the sea, killing one of their own (he’s a bad guy and deserved it) and swimming towards the promising land, the non-swimmer aboard the accursed ship  dies in the fire. Two left. They are able to swim ashore, lie at the beach exhausted and think they’re save. Yeah right. The Templars, though awfully slow but not lazy, have broken free from their caskets and go for the shore. This is another example of Ossorio going for recycling scenes: If you’ve have seen one Templar emerge from the sea, you’ve seen ’em all.” Thus our sea-drenched Templars hurry – sorry: creep – to a finale furioso, encircle our exhausted heroes who – perfect timing – awaken just at the right time. Cut, roll credits.

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