Life still sucks. You still die.

February 24, 2012 at 1:34 am (living)

The past two weeks have been bad. On February 13th, my mother- in-law to be died after enduring an uncurable disease for the past 20+ years. We saw it coming but still… you’re never really prepared. The funeral was very moving and just the way she would have wanted it. She was only 65 years old and had battled the disease for years but, alas, there’s no cure for it (yet) and hence there was no hope for her. She never complained about it, she endured it and accepted it. At least she could just pass away peacefully in her sleep. At least she didn’t have to suffer anymore.She would have made an awesome mother-in-law, and my first – and lasting! – impression of her will always be the way she greeted me when my fiance first introduced me: She smiled broadly and hugged me tightly. I’ll never forget that and I’m very grateful that she accepted me right away. I’m just so sorry that I never really got to know her because when we first met, the disease had already taken over. Fuck you, Chorea Huntington! You hear me? Fuck you double, sideways and upside down.  I hate you! You destroy lives. You destroy and kill good people who  never harmed anybody. Can’t you just do us all a favor and go away? Please? Oh, and don’t give me the “She’s in heaven and at peace now”-treatment. Just don’t. Please. Spare me. There is no heaven. There is no god. If there was a god, he wouldn’t let things like this happen. He wouldn’t allow uncurable diseases to exist. And if there is a god – well… he’s an asshole.

As if losing my mother-in-law hadn’t been bad enough for the family, my fiance’s grandma died on February 23rd. Some kind of disease of the lungs – not pneumonia, some kind of infection. At her age (87), that’s lethal, and we saw that coming, too, since she’s been struggling for almost 3 weeks. But it’s just too much to bear right now. Losing two members of the family within 1,5 weeks is too much, and it’s not fair.

My fiance tries to be brave, whenever he wants to talk, I’ll listen. But I can tell he’s tired, worn out, exhausted, trying to deal with it in his own way. I help him best as I can but the only thing I can do is listen to him, talk to him, hold him tight. At the same time, I can feel my own energy draining away. I’m tired but I cannot sleep. I can’t even cry anymore. Worst part is – I can’t go to his grandma’s funeral next week because there’s so much work to do at the office and my co-workers are burdened with work as well. It seems I can’t support my beloved simply because I need to prepare loads of stuff for work. Weird thing about it is – I am grateful for having so much work. I’m just so worn out that I simply couldn’t deal with yet another funeral. I know this sounds awful, and believe me, I feel awful for having these thoughts. But my energy is fading away, no matter how much I sleep, no matter how much I try to relax. I’m just not resilient enough. Not anymore. I’m even too tired to grieve 😦

So here I am, at almost 3 a.m., with a glass of wine beside me and about to light my next cigarette. I know I have to get up at 7 a.m. (8 a.m. at the latest) but I simply don’t care. I know I’ll make it through the day somehow. And I know I have to be strong. For my fiance. I need to be there for him when he needs me. I just don’t know if it’s going to be as easy as it sounds.

1 Comment

  1. desenfrenada said,

    Yeah it sucks. And no words anybody could think of would make it go away.

    A Big Hug to you and your awesome husband-to-be.

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