The Abomination begins…

November 24, 2010 at 1:49 am (culture, Literature, media)

I’ve resisted Twilight for quite some time now, and the only reason I watched the first movie was Buffy. Yes, Buffy. The Vampire Slayer. She who can kill within seconds. Now why’s that, you might ask? Quite simple: We’ve embarked on a campaign in the BtVS Roleplaying Game, yours truly being the evil gamemaster and my friends assuming the parts of Buffy, Willow, and Spike. Their first task was to rescue some misguarded vampire groupies – a.k.a. Twi-Hards – from eternal doom. The Twi-Hards kept nagging our heroes about Edward and Bella, going on and on and on about how great their romance was. Eventually, the Twi-Hards were killed off by real vampires, thus realizing that vampires are not romantic and sparkling at all – oh gosh! I admit I borrowed the plot from an episode in BtVS Season 2, “Lie to me”, except that, in the end, I introduced Edward himself, expecting the players to kill the whimp. They didn’t. They figured killing the guy would be like killing an innocent puppy so they let him get away with whatever the whimp does. Up to that point, neither of us had seen a Twilight movie or read any of the books so we figured it was about time to change that.

Bad idea.

We rented the movie, got lots of alcohol and braced ourselves for the worst. Our expectations – if we had any at all – were shattered. During the first 10 minutes of the movie, we were roaring with laughter, had to rewind scenes because the cheesy dialouge had been drowned in our laughter. What went wrong? Was it us? Were we not fit to understand and encompass the beauty that is Twilight?

No.

The movie is, to put it simply, crap. Come on. There’s a (supposedly) good-looking guy falling in love with an emo-girl for no reason at all. Both are frighteningly pale, both are emos, both have but one facial expression that they wear throughout the movie. He saves her from a truck and tries to convince her that he did so because of an “adrenaline rush”. She asks him about his strange eyes, he mumbles something about phosphor and dashes across the hallway. Pretty convincing, ey? But there’s more. In a supposedly dramatic scene, Edward reveals himself to Bella – “I’ll show you what I’m really like”. And what does he do? He steps into the sunlight, unbuttons his shirt – and starts to sparkle. For Christ’s sake, this guy is supposed to be a vampire! Vampires don’t sparkle! Vampires are evil creatures of the night that feast on the blood of humans. They don’t stroll around in daylight, all pale and sparkly. My favourite scene is when Edward tells Bella in a voice forshadowing doom: “This is the face of evil.” AND THE GUY STARTS TO SPARKLE EVEN MORE! He even makes a special sparkling noise! Come on, how can you buy THAT?

But there’s more. Edward tells Bella that he’s killed people which is a pretty bad thing to do – I think we all agree on that. And what’s her reaction? “Oh, I don’t mind.” Gorram, girl, the guy’s a killer! He’s watching you in your sleep, he’s killed people and you think it’s romantic? What kind of moron are you, anyway?

There’s more to come. The dialouge is just plain awful. Whoever wrote the script should be awarded a Golden Raspberry. Twice. At least. The plot is awfully lame and not even consistent; if I had gotten a cent for every loophole, I’d be a millionare by now. But the worst feature are the vampires. They walk around in broad daylight. They are vegetarians (even Louis from Interview with the Vampire wasn’t THAT lame). They SPARKLE. No decent vampire sparkles, for Christ’s sake. I’m quite comfortable with new interpretations of the vampire myth, but this is just way beyond. Twilight is a teenage love-story – an average teenage love-story that would loose all its appeal if the vampires were removed. It’s an abomination. It’s a story for teenage girls that dream of a knight in shining armour, except that the knight is, in fact, a vampire – but at least he’s shining resp. sparkling. This is a story for people that are scared of vampires like Dracula, vampires that suck blood, vampires that kill. It’s a story for people who think that vampires are romantic creatures. Boy, you’re so wrong. If there were any real vampires out there, they’d kill Stephenie Meyer for what she’s done to their reputation. Above all, Ms. Meyer is a bad author. I’ve read excerpts of the first Twilight novel and was appalled. What, in the name of God, is an estrogen rush? How can you go on and on and on about how Edward’s so beautiful and shiny? What’s up with his sweet breath? Since when do vampires breathe? And what’s with the half human, half vampire child? Come on. You know it’s ridiculous. Go and watch a decent vampire movie. Too much blood? Well – your bad.

3 Comments

  1. desenfrenada said,

    Well put!
    While one might argue that indeed one has to be open to new interpretations of old concepts (like vampires), I agree that this very probably was NOT Twilight’s intention.

    And for completeness’ sake, check out this tumblr where you will find tons of proof how oddly crafted the books are, story-wise and stylistically:
    http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/

  2. desenfrenada said,

    I’ve just found an interesting PS, written by someone who has obviously read all the books and sums up quite nicely how many different aspects of “sick relationship” the series covers:

    http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/recycle-bin/edward-cullen-abusive-boyfriend-eclipse-spoilers/t.26745143/

  3. alrassan said,

    Thanks for the comments and the links 🙂 I think it’s quite remarkable that there are people out there who devote a lot of their spare time to Twilight in order to inform the rest of us about the bad writing and the bad characterization. Thanks guys – you spare me the burden of reading the books myself *g*

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