Life still sucks. You still die.
The past two weeks have been bad. On February 13th, my mother- in-law to be died after enduring an uncurable disease for the past 20+ years. We saw it coming but still… you’re never really prepared. The funeral was very moving and just the way she would have wanted it. She was only 65 years old and had battled the disease for years but, alas, there’s no cure for it (yet) and hence there was no hope for her. She never complained about it, she endured it and accepted it. At least she could just pass away peacefully in her sleep. At least she didn’t have to suffer anymore.She would have made an awesome mother-in-law, and my first – and lasting! – impression of her will always be the way she greeted me when my fiance first introduced me: She smiled broadly and hugged me tightly. I’ll never forget that and I’m very grateful that she accepted me right away. I’m just so sorry that I never really got to know her because when we first met, the disease had already taken over. Fuck you, Chorea Huntington! You hear me? Fuck you double, sideways and upside down. I hate you! You destroy lives. You destroy and kill good people who never harmed anybody. Can’t you just do us all a favor and go away? Please? Oh, and don’t give me the “She’s in heaven and at peace now”-treatment. Just don’t. Please. Spare me. There is no heaven. There is no god. If there was a god, he wouldn’t let things like this happen. He wouldn’t allow uncurable diseases to exist. And if there is a god – well… he’s an asshole.
As if losing my mother-in-law hadn’t been bad enough for the family, my fiance’s grandma died on February 23rd. Some kind of disease of the lungs – not pneumonia, some kind of infection. At her age (87), that’s lethal, and we saw that coming, too, since she’s been struggling for almost 3 weeks. But it’s just too much to bear right now. Losing two members of the family within 1,5 weeks is too much, and it’s not fair.
My fiance tries to be brave, whenever he wants to talk, I’ll listen. But I can tell he’s tired, worn out, exhausted, trying to deal with it in his own way. I help him best as I can but the only thing I can do is listen to him, talk to him, hold him tight. At the same time, I can feel my own energy draining away. I’m tired but I cannot sleep. I can’t even cry anymore. Worst part is – I can’t go to his grandma’s funeral next week because there’s so much work to do at the office and my co-workers are burdened with work as well. It seems I can’t support my beloved simply because I need to prepare loads of stuff for work. Weird thing about it is – I am grateful for having so much work. I’m just so worn out that I simply couldn’t deal with yet another funeral. I know this sounds awful, and believe me, I feel awful for having these thoughts. But my energy is fading away, no matter how much I sleep, no matter how much I try to relax. I’m just not resilient enough. Not anymore. I’m even too tired to grieve 
So here I am, at almost 3 a.m., with a glass of wine beside me and about to light my next cigarette. I know I have to get up at 7 a.m. (8 a.m. at the latest) but I simply don’t care. I know I’ll make it through the day somehow. And I know I have to be strong. For my fiance. I need to be there for him when he needs me. I just don’t know if it’s going to be as easy as it sounds.
Moving on
We got a new flat. Ho0ray! The strange thing about this is how quickly we found it. We started searching last week – Wednesday, to be exact. We browsed through some advertisements for flats, wrote a couple of e-mails to some real estate agents and set dates for examining the flats on Thursday. On Friday, we went to see the first flat, and boy, was it awesome! It had everything – a huge bathroom (with a bathtub AND a shower, with additional space for cupboards and the washing machine), a huge kitchen (with a dishwasher – A DISHWASHER! We’ll never have to clean our dishes the old way! Yay!), a loggia, two rooms, a spare room for storing stuff, a room in the cellar for storing yet more stuff and another room downstairs to store our bikes. We fell in love with that flat on first sight, yet we figured it would be reasonable to go and see more flats – because reason says that you cannot (or should not) take the first flat you come across. So we went to see another one that actually looked pretty good – on the photographs. In reality, there was a huge crack in the livingroom’s wall and the dirtiest kitchen I’ve ever seen (apart from a house in Moss Side, Manchester, that I visitied in 1995). No good. Up to that point, we had already made an appointment to go and see two more flats on Tuesday but since we kept talking about the first flat all Friday – and, in fact, started to equip it with all kinds of stuff in our mind – we decided to ring up the real estate agent on Saturday, telling her that we’d take the flat. Yay! This Thursday, we’ll sign the contract. There’s a lot of work ahead – moving stuff, getting rid of stuff, buying new furniture etc. But it’s fun, and it’s very exciting since this is the first time we actually set up a flat together. Boy, I can hardly wait for it to start. This is basically our ideal flat – close to the city center (it takes me about 12 minutes to get to work which is great in Vienna), vibrant but at the same time very secluded. This will be fun. This will be great. It’s an upgrade to our current flat, and even though the rent is pretty high we will be able to manage. And Ikea will make a bunch of money when we buy all our new furniture 
